Your Brown Voice Matters

Having Difficult Conversations with Brown Parents

We all have been there when we have to have difficult conversations with our Brown parents. We feel that pit in our stomach and our heart is racing. Then when we finally speak up, the well-rehearsed speech goes out the window and our mind goes blank or feels like an unorganized mess.  All of the hyping up we did before we had the hard conversation goes nowhere when we are in the middle of the potential fire. If you have experienced this, you are not alone.  This story resonates throughout the Brown community.  We are adults now but forever children at the same time to the elders in our community. 

Here is a list of some of those hard conversations that we may have had or preparing to have with our parents:

·       telling your parents you changed majors in college

·       telling your parents about your partner

·       telling your parents you are moving out

·       moving to a different state

·       that you do not want to get married

·       that you are getting divorced

·       that you do not want to have kids

·       that you are changing careers

The Root of Why We Struggle

We know this list of difficult topics can go on forever. However, here's why these conversations are difficult. The truth is it is deeper than you think. Your body learned from a young age that it is not safe or there is risk in speaking up. Here are some childhood experiences that could have shaped that:

·       being silenced when you spoke up or expressed emotions

·       the message that children are supposed to be seen but not heard

·       an overwhelming emphasis on obedience – there is no path that deviates from your parents’ wishes

·       being shamed for your choices and made to feel guilty for them as well

·       an overwhelming pressure to recognize the choices and sacrifices of your parents that you cannot chose a path different from what they chose for you

All these experiences taught you from a young age that expressing emotions or advocating for your needs was not okay. It was not safe.  You carry this nervous system wiring into adulthood without even realizing it.  It not only follows you in your relationship with your parents but it can follow you in your relationships at work and also your romantic relationships. 

How Therapy Can Help – Undoing the Early Learning and Rewiring New Insights and Learning

The work in therapy, is undoing what your nervous system learned from childhood. This can look like going from "I can't speak up" or "What I say is not valued" to "I have a voice" and "My needs matter." Talk therapy alone will not change this. Therapies like EMDR and Brainspotting get to the root of the early childhood and desensitizes or lessens the intensity of it so you find the courage to have the difficult conversations while being grounded in the present.

As a therapist, I get to witness these changes in the work I do.  I help women finally be able to speak up for their needs. They are able to have the hard conversation with their parents, boss, partner, etc. without their body rushing back and making them feel like a child again and frightened to speak up. They are able to update their nervous system to feel like they are not a child anymore, that they are adults, they are safe, they are bold, and have agency. 

If you are you ready to show up with courage and confidence or if you are ready to find your voice, then book a free consult by clicking on the button below to learn how EMDR and Brainspotting therapies provided by a culturally attuned therapist can help you. My mission is to help heal the lingering wounds for women in communities of color one person, one session at a time.  I look forward to hearing from you!